I was going to do a post about procrastination today, but it can wait. (See what I did there?)
My kids love me. They do. They love my cuddles, they love the food I prepare them, and my kisses are magic things that cure any hurt. But I am never so attractive to them as when I am on the phone. They are mostly always hold me in their affections, but when I get on the phone that affection turns to obsession. They swarm me. And suddenly I’m trying to carry on a conversation while being swarmed by children. You know those guys who wear bee beards? Picture that, except instead of some guy, it’s me, and instead of a beard of bees, it’s a beard of two children.
This afternoon, after painstakingly putting the Boy to bed for a nap (I had to get the Girl keep my sister entertained on the phone, while I went BACK IN to shush and pat him to sleep…for a second time), I finally had some space to breath, and to chat with another human adult. The Girl was good…at first. And then she came around asking for things. First it was cheese. Then it was olives. Since the olives in question had to be pitted, I talked her down to pickles. Because I was trying to keep her quiet and appeased while I was on the phone she had 6, possibly even 8 pickles (normally she can have one or two) before I finally shut down the pickle parade.
Then she decided she was going to get on the lap top and just start clicking on random shit. To prevent her from getting me to “like” some random bank I’ve never heard of, I took her hand off the mouse. She pushed my hand away. I closed the lap top. She kept playing with the mouse. I moved the mouse away from her. She tried to grab the mouse from where I moved it. I unplugged the mouse and moved it to where she couldn’t get it. This is when things got weird. She took the DS adaptor plug (you know, the one that plugs into the wall?) and started trying to plug it into the computer’s USB port. I took that from her. Then she started trying to put NAILS into the LIGHTS on the LAPTOP! Oh no, you do NOT come between a stay at home Mom and her internet access, I don’t care if you ARE one of the reasons for which she stays home! I took that from her and said, “get away from that computer!” She…burst into tears. Noisy, noisy tears.
I said, “if you’re going to cry like that, you can go to your room until you’re done.” She said, “No!” Sob, sob. I started counting backwards from five. I got to one. She was still not in her room, and she was still sobbing noisily, and dramatically. I said, “Now you get a timeout.” She flipped out even louder. I put the phone down to put her in her time out. The Boy woke up, and how could he not with all the commotion going on. So in amidst the din of the Girl screaming, and the Boy screaming, I said good-bye to my ever understanding sister. I hope she heard me.
I love my kids, I do. I’m so very lucky to have them. That being said, if I could just once get through one phone conversation without children either hanging off of me, winding themselves up in the phone cord, hurting themselves, getting themselves into trouble or generally freaking out…well I would be scared because that means they’re probably setting me up.
You know what? They can stay here, and I’ll go with the gypsies.