Sometimes she feels so sad

Especially when her entire family goes through a seemingly endless string of varying degrees of illness.  The low point was a couple of week-ends ago we all (except the Boy, thankfully) had a horrible, coming out of both ends, kind of stomach flu.  I remember one night, the Boy had been put down for a nap at 2pm, and just kept sleeping right through the night.  Mr. G and the Girl passing out in the living room, and I crawled off to sleep on the Girl’s bare mattress (her sheets still in the washer from when she barfed all over them).  As the toilet flushed next to my head for the tenth time in two hours I thought, “I don’t have to wonder what is Hell, for truly this is it.”

I have little more than a sinus infection now (which is pretty bad on its own), but I’m finding the emotions from caring for my children while they are ill for months on end are catching up to me.  Contributing is the Boy weaning himself.  We’re still nursing once or twice a day, only when he wants.  Mostly he’s just too busy and doesn’t have the patience for nursing.

I look around at my messy kitchen, my cluttered house, my unclean self, and I feel ill-equipped to deal with it.  Mostly I just want to say FUCK IT I just don’t FEEL like it.  I still clean most days, but with my two entropic children, I’m cleaning the same messes over and over again, and it gets very discouraging.  I’m at least keeping the children fed, but even that I’m finding difficult to keep up with.  “What, you need to eat AGAIN?  Didn’t I *just* feed you 2 hours ago?  GAWD!”

My two joys are cuddling the Boy (he’s so cuddly) which is good, and playing SW:TOR which is bad.  To clarify, the game is good, that I’m using it to escape is bad.  Although, if it wasn’t SW:TOR, it would be something else.  Like the internet.  Hi internet!  *waves*

SO, since the clutter and constant mess is something that is tangible, that is what I will try to deal with.  I’ve discovered FlyLady, and she promises “to teach you how to take BabySteps and establish little routines for getting rid of your clutter and maintaining your home.”  I then noticed that there just so happens to be 31 steps in the kickstart to her program.  THEN I noticed that tomorrow is the first day of March, which has 31 days in it.  AND THEN I remembered how much I love month-long challenges.  I think you know where this is going.

Everyday, I will do one step in the 31 baby beginner steps.  I will share my progress with all y’all (although I may not do that every day.)  And hopefully I will come out the other side feeling more capable and less sad.  And if I’m not, I will seek professional help, ’cause how I’m feeling right now CANNOT CONTINUE.

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